How would it feel....

I am in a strange mood... I am existing. I am not living.. how would it feel to be living? to feel alive?. I am not frustrated at all.. I am just feeling nothing. I wondered last night how would all this and my life on the whole would culminate? I don't feel I have anything to look forward to in life. What ever happens or is going to happen.. will happen. At this stage I just want(ed) a few good things to happen.. and even if they don't happen I know I will still exist. I just will have to wean myself away and keep on the path of existence, but I have no reason any more to justify why I would want to do that.. when I am not even sure I want to continue this kind of existence..
What is the purpose of my life ? I keep wondering at frequent intervals. All my wants and wishes aside... What has been my contribution to society or to community or even to my family n friends? Did I ever make them happy and proud?.. may be a few times, but in the long run I don't have any feeling of satisfaction.. If this goes on as it it.. one day will come in my life that will be my last and what will I have in my life balance book to encash upon when in the Almighty's darbar? .. may be nothing, since I will not have enough credit points to pay for the ticket to heaven I will most likely be refused and sent back to where I am now... and this cycle will go on and on and on.. endlessly... :(
How may I put a break to all this? The thoughts of this impotentent life I am leading has put me in a very depressive mood. I don't have any future prospects and a futile and boring past. I am not even a good conversationist and neither do I have the skill set for being succesfull in this diplomatic/ decietful world. I have a degree and struggling pathetically for another..but I am just too tired of trying to build myself up with false hopes and aspirations. Nothing is going to work up for me I feel.. and I don't want to keep banging my head on futile projects doomed to failure.

I had thought of writing a biography on my life a couple of times, but then I felt, I have lead other people's life, I have played roles, reacted as a character, lived life as a proxy.. experienced failiures and succeses went through major trauma's in life came out of them a different person each time, just cuz I did not want to be a failure, but now I think it doesn't even matter anymore to me I don't care either way. I am bored of this existing/living game that nature is playing which I feel isn't even me or my life.. its someone else's life I am living and experiencing.. I don't even feel me to myself anymore. I want it all to simply end, either start afresh or retire from this non interesting life cycle...that I will term vegetative living.

Every one has problems either its personal or its professional, somehow I have none of those issues cuz I just don't care anymore... I simply don't care. I have lived/experienced enough. I have lived a lifetime already I feel. I have experienced all there was in store for me to experience in this lifetime. I am ancient and ages old. May be its simply time for me to say..

Alwida.




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